Chance’s Blog

The World Goes Round and Life Goes On

Tue, 9 Feb 2010 10:34:45 -0600

Time is always a factor of nature that can never be predicted. No one ever really knows what it could bring and the future and they can’t ever change what has happened in the past. All that can be done is to live in the present as best as possible. Just the other day I opened a fortune cookie and I couldn’t believe how appropriate it was for my current situation. It was so simple and yet so true. “Hear with your ears and listen with your heart.” So trust me I hear what people are saying to me, but I’m listening to how I feel. I find at night that I struggle worrying what will happen in my future and whether or not I will be happy. Unfortunately, in doing this I tend to not enjoy all the time that is slipping away. Or sleep for that matter. When I look back into my past, however, I find there is only one way to truly look at it. I try not to regret anything I have done, instead I look at everything as a learning opportunity. While there has been some pain it hasn’t killed me yet and has helped to shape who I am today in a very important way. I know the future won’t be easy but I can’t worry about it tight now. I’ll worry about it when it gets here. My life is a mystery in the making, who knows where it will end.

Mystery in the Making
Eliy Young Band

The night time air's like a BAPTISM!! And the way I'm feeling right now is strange I Think it's time to make some changes 'Cause right now my outlook has changed
I feel like a dance that's lost it's rhythm A compass that can't find it's way But there's a headlight shining clearly Down a gravel road just off the interstate

Chorus: Take away the mundane Calling on a new campaign Starting over now has got a real good ring And under this circumstance It's giving me a second chance Gonna tade a little peace for the suspense  I'll let it fall wherever it'll take me  I love a mystery in the making
If I knew how long I'd be living  I'd rearrange a few habits of mine But tonight there's a full moon above me A set of rules that tonight I can't abide

Repeat chorus

Oh I don't need a revelation  Oh I don't even need a sign

Repeat chorus

I love a mystery in the makin

Reasons to Be Thankful

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 00:51:58 -0600

Today is Thanksgiving. It’s a day where everyone should stop and take some time to think about and possibly even vocalize the things in their lives they are thankful for. For me this has been a very trying year and I would never have made it to this point without the help I have received from so many people. I have a really bad habit of complaining about all the things that I don’t have or the things that aren’t working in my life, but today I am reminded that the most important things in life are the ones you already have. This is a quote that I came across and inspired me to write this entry.

“Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough.” -- Oprah Winfrey

First and foremost I want to thank my family. They have always been here for me no matter what has happened. We may not always get along, but they are the reason I am here and a major part of my success. Without them not only would I not exist, but I probably wouldn’t have survived the 22 years that I have. They have shown me time after time they would lay it all on the line for me before they would let anything happen. I love them with all my heart and that will never change. I also want to thank all of my friends who have stood by me throughout the years and supported me even when they didn’t agree with me. I know I can tend to be a little hard headed, but I’m very thankful that even if I was wrong, I had full support and usually someone to bring me back from the edge. Finally, I would like to thank someone very special to me. I haven’t always been a great person. In fact, many times I’ve been a complete ass. But even when I was making a complete fool of myself, they were still there when I needed them. I have done some horrible things because all I could ever see where the things I wanted more of. The quote I used earlier fits perfectly for me. If I would have just been thankful for I had it would have only gotten better. Everyone will always wants more of something, but the person who can cherish what he or she has will be truly happy. Over the last two years I have grown in so many ways as a person. I’m still nowhere near perfection, but I have been shown my flaws and how to fix them. Thank you Kirk for being there for me and everything you have done. I hope that everyone is having a great Thanksgiving and is enjoying the company around them. This is my way of thanking those who mean so much to me and I encourage every one of you to find a way to do the same.

What a Semester

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 00:28:26 -0600

Wow. This semester has been a big one and it’s not even over yet. It’s been very trying but at the same time has taught me more than I could ever imagine. This semester I have learned to approach school and life in a whole new way. Times have ben tough but it will be worth it in the long run.

School has always been a challenge to me because in my line of work I have to do so many things in the educational realm that I will never have to deal with once I’m in the professional world. Like artwork. I have always dreaded going through these classes and only done what it takes to get by and survive. This semester, however, I have been trying to really find enjoyment in what I am learning in these classes. I have come to accept that I’m not as good as most of the people in my art classes because I don’t do it all the time like they do. But I have seen a progression in skill and have grown to enjoy the time to just ignore everything else and create something. I have really been struggling to try and put my best foot forward this semester and I am beginning to see it pay off.

As for life, well, that one has been a roller-coaster ride lately. I am working hard to stick to what I posted earlier and be the happy person that I used to be. I’m getting priorities straight and being myself. I’m still working on the previous endeavors and they seem to be making progress, but part of correcting some of my mistakes in the past was that I had to be truthful to EVERYONE around me. I started this process by finally admitting to my mom that I was gay. Needless to say it was not a fun experience, but it was something I just had to do if I was ever going to be able to move forward on other fronts. My mom is still avoiding the subject and I’m not quite sure how she’s handling it but I’m just giving it time and maybe one day she will understand all the questions that I know she has. The holidays will definitely be interesting going forward and hopefully my friends will get me through. I’m staying positive and I know everything will work out on all fronts, I just have to wait.

Along with my life I have learned a lot just by observing others and trying to be supportive as best as I can. I have recently been surprised by so many thing that have been happening around me while I wasn’t paying attention. These things have really kinda slapped me in the face and shown me I’m no longer a kid and I’m in the real world now. What I do has real consequences and I need to be thinking everything through a lot more than I have in the past. As I have said before I have made some decisions that were rash and stupid because I thought it was just a game; now I understand the gravity of the things I was doing and how much they affected others. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to anyone who has had to experience any of the drama I have caused.

I’m still continuously progressing and learning new things everyday. My writing has continued to be on outlet for me and I would like to leave some more of it here for anyone to read. As it was last time, these papers are from assignments in my Queer Theatre through Film class. Every week I learn more as I compare stories that have been around to my life and continue to find new meanings in them.

Love! Valour! Compassion!

Beautiful Thing

Helping the Healing

Mon, 2 Nov 2009 19:53:46 -0600

I just wanted to post some of the things I’ve written for class this semester that have gotten me to where I am. Below are the links to my papers from Queer Theatre. Surprisingly this class has helped me a lot in several different ways. They are mostly rough drafts but I enjoyed writing them and I hope you enjoy reading them.

Boys In the Band

Jeffrey

The Ritz

Torch Song Trilogy

Moving On From Here

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 14:55:24 -0500

So most of the people who read this probably know what is going on but, this is my way of venting so I’m just going to lay it all out on here and probably do a few things I have never done before. Im’ going to straight out admit that I am hurting and have been for many weeks now. I’m trying to get over the stupid things that I have done in my life and make up for what mistakes I still can. Since I have come to OU I have become a person that I am not too proud of. I haven’t been very nice to some people and I’ve struggled with the fact that everything I did had to, in some way, benefit me. If it didn’t, I wasn’t interested. I made the biggest mistake of my life this summer because I couldn’t see what it meant to me. I chose to end things with Kirk because I was selfish and scared. I couldn’t see what he meant to me because I let all of my worldly surroundings get in the way. From this point on I will be a different person. I want to care for people and be a friend. I hate that people feel like they can’t talk to me because I’m not trustworthy. I wan’t people to be able to rely on me when they need a hand. I will also no longer hide what I feel from anyone. I don’t want to keep anymore secret agendas or be bottling anything up inside. I want people to know the real me. This means the gay me. Thats right I said it, I am gay for those of you who might not already know that yet. I’m happy with my lifestyle and I wouldn’t ever wan’t to change it. If you have a problem with it then get over it or get lost. My heart is here for love and thats all I will let around it right now. As for Kirk, I have apologized probably more than he would like me to and I am praying that maybe one day he will rejoin my life. I would love to regain my true love but I know that I hurt him deeply. All I can hope for right now is to at least be friends. I miss him dearly but I know that what I did may never be forgivable. Until then I will be healing and learning this new me. I have many things to accomplish and not much time to do them before I leave. All I can do is work hard and be patient....... On your mark, get set, GO